3 Things Turning 30 Taught Me about Happiness

It’s a sunny morning in Kuala Lumpur. I’m writing at a cafe near my apartment. On my table is a cup of Teh Susu so hot and sweet you can only take one slow sip at a time.

Last May, I celebrated my 30th birthday. They say the 20s is your defining decade. Though I lived my 20s with no regrets, there were a few things I wished someone had told me, especially about happiness.

So here are the 3 things I know now about happiness that I didn’t know then.

I think all decades are defining in their own rights. Whether you’re in your 20s, 30s, or beyond, I hope these lessons help you live yours fully.

You need to choose your path without reference to anything but what’s inside your heart..

FOLLOW your heart’s AUTHENTIC desires

I think my parents asked me “What do you want to do when you grow up?” once. I told them I wanted to be Britney Spears. They laughed it off and said if I could become a doctor like my mom if I study really hard.

By the time I turned 6, I already knew that I was supposed to go to university, find a husband, get a respectable job, and be a role model for my younger brother (translate: be perfect.)

I was an obedient daughter throughout childhood and middle school. In high school, I became a rebel. I told myself I would never live my parents’ life.

But a rebellion against what your parents want will only give you the opposite of it, not what you really want. Rebellion is conformity in the mirror.

You need to choose your path without reference to anything but what’s inside your heart.

Your heart speaks to you in gentle whispers, you need to be quiet to hear it. This means to step away from the noise of the world and to quiet your chattering mind.

When I was 24, I finally asked myself:

“If I were the only living person on earth. What would I want to do with my life?”

The answer came quietly in my heart: “Write”. That led to a blog and then the unfolding of my life’s work.

Hearing that whisper was my first step to coming back home to who I truly am.

2. YOU ARE BIGGER THAN YOUR PAINS.

You won’t find happiness by running away from negative emotions, by trying to be happy, or by repeating mantras of positive thoughts.

Happiness won’t be found by creating the perfect bedroom, having the perfect morning routine, or wearing color-coordinated outfits.

No experience is ever a waste. One day, those seemingly random experiences will be exactly what you need to build the work and life you choose.

You can’t will yourself into being happy. (Trust me, I’ve tried.)

Like how water always flows once you remove the rocks that block the river, real happiness emerges within you when you remember who you are and who you are not.

You are not your thoughts. Not the voice inside your head that says “Her life is more interesting than me.” when you check your friend’s Instagram feed. Not when it tells you “I’m a failure.” after what you want badly didn’t happen. Or when it says: “This is all my fault” when he leaves you.

You are not your emotions. Not the heat you feel in your chest. The sinking feeling in your stomach, or the ache in your bones. Dreadness, sadness, even madness, cannot define you.

You are not your childhood, your heartbreak, your trauma, or your illness.

You are the observer of these experiences. You hold them. The same way the ocean holds the waves, the forest holds the tree, the sky holds passing clouds.

Yes, you are that big.

And how wonderful it is to get to experience so much!

What does heartbreak taste like in your mouth? What does the sunset feel like on your skin? The wind at dawn on your hair?

All these, the privilege of being human.

3. DON’T BE in a hurry

Take a deep breath, come back to this moment, and continue walking towards your dream with patience, even if your dream is to find out what your dream is.

Hurrying doesn’t speed up the process, it does just the opposite.

When you’re in a hurry you are not present, not in your body or in your heart. This way, you can’t pay attention to your inner compass - the built-in navigation system you were given at birth that speaks to you in the language of curiosity, passion and yearning.

Like a distracted fisherman, you won’t notice even if a fish has been tucking at you for the last 5 minutes, or 5 years.

When you believe that time is scarce, you will be afraid to waste it, afraid to make the wrong choices. If so, you will withdraw yourself from the very thing that can teach you most powerfully about yourself: experience.

Real happiness emerges within you when you remember who you are and who you are not. .

I’ve written a lot about the value of curiosity, about how important it is to say yes to low-risk experiences that interest you, about giving yourself permission to follow your nose, no matter how odd it seems at first. (I spent 3 hours yesterday drawing hippopotamuses with a fountain pen.)

No experience is ever a waste. One day, those seemingly random experiences will be exactly what you need to build the work and life you choose.

To be patient with yourself, it’s helpful to remember that you don’t need any grant achievement for your existence to be worthy.

We rush around to run away from the empty feeling we feel inside us, the desperation that comes from a dangerous misunderstanding: we’re valuable only if we achieve.

You do not have to do or be anything to be worthy. You are worthy simply because you exist. And no betrayal, failure, or mistake can take your worth away.

Bees know it. Trees know it. That’s why they never seem to be in a hurry and yet they play such incredible roles in our ecosystem.

Being grounded in the untouchable worthiness of your existence. You will naturally want to contribute to the world in your own unique way, whether it's baking delicious bread or starting a business, or raising children who are kind to the earth. Whatever you choose to do then, will be from a place of love, not from a place of fear.

Those are the 3 things I wished someone had told me when I was 20.

I’ve sat in this cafe long enough. I will go get myself some lunch now. Maybe a Nasi Lamak because I love those little dry fishes.

The world is so big. And we get to live it. Isn’t that wonderful?

And always remember, you’re a beautiful miracle. And you can truly shine your light.

Milena xo

PS: What do I really want to do with my life?!

If you’re in your late 20s or early 30s and feeling unsatisfied with your life but also lost about how to change it, welcome to the quarter-life crisis!

A quarter-life crisis is an invitation from your soul to get unstuck and move towards the life of your authentic desires.

This is why I’ve created a workbook called “Discover Your Soul’s Unique Purpose” to help you do just that. It’s beautiful, insightful, and you can download it for Free below.