If you're like me, you're probably obsessed with the idea of creating the life you love. 

For a long time, I used to think that it's the most important thing. So, I’ve worked for it. Hard-work, heart-work, brain-work, nerve-work. 

I founded my own business - Soulful Garden wellness centre, writing my own blog, completing a book, and at the same time, preparing for my workshop tour around Vietnam. In few months, Rapha and I will register our marriage. And right after that, I'll give my 2nd TEDx talk in Kuala Lumpur. 

Sounds exciting, right? I’ve been busy creating a life I love, believing that I'm on the right track, until a strange thing happened. 

I stopped feeling good. 

When I looked within me, I realised that ambition had drove me away from peace. Instead of feeling content and grateful, I felt anxious and dissatisfied. Milena TV needed more views. Soulful Garden needed more and better reviews. My facebook posts needed more likes. My workshop tour needed more registrations. My page needed more fans. Good news are not enough, I needed better news.  

Basically, it was not good enough. Basically, I was not good enough. 

Is this how “living a life I love” feels like? 

Luckily, I listened to my heart and pushed the PAUSE button. The last few days have been for drawing, meditation, deep breaths, reading, watching “The Theory of Everything” (and then watched it again), lying on my bed, staring into space.  

One afternoon, as I was still there on my bed staring into space, a realisation came:

Creating a life I love isn’t enough. I need to LOVE the life I’m living right now.

To be fully present and open to receive the goodness all around me. To let myself soak in the magic of the moment. To spend more time with gratitude. 

Yesterday when Rapha called me, I told him: “Hey Rapha, ask me what am I grateful for…” 

“Okay. What are you grateful for, Mili?”

“I am grateful for…,” I paused “… for my struggles because it is through the struggles that I learn. I’m grateful for my mom, and dad, and Dom, and Potato. I’m grateful for the phone I’m using to talk to you. I’m grateful for my art. Grateful for my hand that I can draw beautiful things. For my mind that can write beautiful sentences. For my legs that I can dance. I’m grateful for my work, and Trang, and my students. I’m grateful for all the people who like and comment on my Facebook and Instagram, they take time to share their life with me. I’m grateful that my grandfather is still alive. That before my auntie left she asked grandfather 'Stay healthy dad! I will be back to visit you soon,' and grandfather blinked. It may mean that he still can hear and understand. I’m grateful for you. You are always there, you are patient, and you love me.” 

As I lied there looking into Rapha's eyes on the screen of my phone, tears rolled out the edge of my eyes and dropped on the mattress that I was pressing my check against. Tears softened my chest. I felt my heart lid up. I don’t know whether Rapha saw my tears. He just smiled and didn’t say a word. 

"What a great question that you've just asked me, Rapha!" 

"I think so." He raised his eyebrows and said. 

We laughed. 

Life is not a race. Life is a river.

Gotta let my hair soak in the cool water. Gotta soften my body and float with the stream. Gotta open my eyes to see the sky and watch the wild flowers on the riverbank.  

Gotta fall in love with the life I live. Happiness is not under the rainbow. Happiness here and now.

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What about you? Are you in love with the life you live?
What are you grateful for?