Who Do You Want On Your Success Team?

November 11, 2020 Milena Nguyen

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When was the last time you told yourself you'd exercise every morning but you pressed snooze on your alarm instead?

You felt motivated. You know it's good for you. But if you’re like most people, chances are: you didn't follow through.

The same goes for drinking 2 liters of water per day, meditating in the morning, blogging every week, and finally, finally, kickstarting that business idea.

It's normal to avoid things we don't want, like throwing the trash, cleaning the toilet or doing the taxes.

But why don't we do what we want?

Why do we sabotage our effort?

Why do we give up?

In fact, to procrastinate doing what we want, we keep ourselves busy doing things we don’t want. (I’ve had my fair share of procrastinating a new article while scrubbing the dishes.)

I used to blame myself for lacking discipline, for having the willpower and the strength of an overcooked fettuccine.

But I was wrong.

The problem wasn't weak will-power, poor discipline, or lousy character.

The problem was that I tried to do it all by myself.

As a child of an emotionally turbulent family, I’ve had painful experiences where my emotional needs weren’t met.

To avoid disappointment, I withdrew from sharing my needs with others. Why ask for it when no one will be there for you anyway?

I prided myself for not needing anyone, for being "independent."

In truth, I was just pretending to be strong, building fortresses, wearing armor to shield my skin from disappointment and hurt.

I wanted to prove to myself and to others that I could do it all. As if it could somehow compensate for the worthlessness I felt deep within.

It was tiring. It was lonely. And it simply doesn't work because it goes against nature.

Look at nature, and you'll see. Nothing exists "independently". Everything in nature dances together in an intricate ecosystem.

The hummingbirds need nectar from the daylilies. The daylilies count on the hummingbirds to pollinate. They are interdependent on each other.

I, too, am interdependent on others to thrive.

I'm not talking about co-dependency, or following herd culture, or giving in to peer pressure and societal norms.

I'm talking about finding the right community and the right supporters who help you thrive. Who calls on your bullshit. Who believe in you more than you believe in yourself. Who can see your inner light even when you see only darkness.

We have too many people in our life who make us do what we don't want: the government, the media, our bosses, well-meaning parents and friends...

We need to find people who make us do what we want.

Before the beginning of any project, personal or professional, ask yourself:

Who do I want on my Success Team?

I believe this is the most overlooked question of all.

Your Success Team can consist of:

A coach: who has the tools to help you clarify your goals, overcome your inner blocks, and support you through the process of achieving your goal.
A mentor: who is already successful in what you want to be successful in, whose hindsight can be your foresight.
A consultant: who has expert knowledge in the field and can help you create strategies for success.
A trainer/teacher: who helps you gain the skills or knowledge you don't have.
An accountability buddy: who can meet you every week. So you can share with each other about your goals and tasks. You two can also have co-working time together.
A therapist: when you need help with your mental & emotional wellbeing.
A community: where there are people who share the same dreams and passion with you. You can ask questions, exchange good case practices and resources with.
And more, depending on the specific project.

When I got pregnant, I knew from the start that I needed a Success Team. So here is what my Success Team looks like:

Ru, my hypnobirthing trainer - who helps me to clear up fears and limiting beliefs surrounding birth. I’m looking forward to the birth of my baby and genuinely thinking of it as a beautiful experience and ready to surrender to the wisdom of my body.
Mel, my prenatal yoga teacher - I was a yoga teacher myself but prenatal wasn’t my expertise. I think doing yoga with Mel was one of the reasons why my baby got into a perfect birth position early, since 26 weeks and have been happily staying there ever since.
Namrita, my newborn care and breastfeeding consultant - who helped me know what to expect and build my confidence as a first time mom.
A local community of expecting and young moms - who follow conscious parenting approach. We have an active WhatsApp group where every question is answered with amazing empathy and generosity. I’ve asked many “stupid questions” there and felt deeply held by them.
Ceri, my therapist - I reach out to her when I need someone who holds space for my emotions.
Idora, my OB doctor - A calm, pro-natural birth doctor, Idora is gentle and respectful to my body and my baby. (Plus point: she also loves cats!)
My team Annie and Haylie - I confessed with them when I’m tired and nauseous and feeling straight out shitty. At the end of my very difficult first trimester, I admitted to them that I had signs of prenatal depression and needed time off. They stepped up and led our multiple projects to completion.
My partner, my baby’s daddy - He has been my anchor, my calm center through it all. He places his warm hand on my belly every night for me and the baby to fall asleep. I cried on our bed at night because I feared I’d need to throw my dreams away to become a mother - a limiting belief! - he reminds me that our baby will make me go even stronger to my dream.
Anja, Trang, Xime... - my pregnant and mom friends who share what they know from parenting books to baby shopping lists.
Umi, my prenatal massage therapist - who has the most healing hands.
And many more…

This team didn’t just happen to me. I sought them out with care. I reached out to them with clear intention. I asked for what I needed. I made space in my mind, body and heart to receive what they have to offer.

And when they helped me, instead of feeling undeserving and “weak”, I have now learned to feel grateful and loved.

Your Success Team isn’t only for “success”, but also for sanity. Putting together a Success Team is an act of self-love.

2 weeks ago, one of my coaching clients told me that in order to build her healthy morning routine, she recruited her housemate and her boyfriend to help her. They were her Success Team. She smiled as she said so.

I felt so proud of her. She had broken through the shell.

We need each other. We really do.

Sometimes, you’ll need others more than they need you. And that’s okay too.

It doesn’t mean you’re useless or weak. It simply means you’re human, breathing, living in this intricate dance of giving and receiving.