I opened the iron gate and walked my bicycle in the front yard of my house. My bicycle made a little ticking sound as I did so. 

I was 14 years old. It was 8 pm. In our living room, my dad was sitting in front of the TV as always. But this face was gloomier than usual. Something in me told me that I might be in trouble. 

“Hi dad!” 

I walked past him towards the stairs, hoping he wouldn’t pay any attention. 

“Where have you been?” He asks. 

My stomach sank. He knew.

I had spent the afternoon playing games at an internet cafe instead of attending my extra-curriculum physics class. I had no idea how my dad found out but apparently, he did.   

I stood frozen at the bottom of the stairs, not knowing what to say. 

Dad stood up from his chair, walked towards me. 

BAP! 

I felt his slap across my face. It stung at first, and then burned red. 

It was okay. I could deal with this. It wasn’t the first time. 

But then dad looked at me with an ice-cold voice he said: “I am very disappointed in you.” 

These words for some reason hurteed 100 times more than the slap. I started to panic. 

I cried: “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” 

I knew from an early age that I was expected to be a “good girl.” 

It means to be pleasant, nice, and helpful, to not make waves, to do well at schools. 

“Ngoan” is the Vietnamese word for that. Every time I was “ngoan”, I was rewarded: a smile on dad’s face, mom’s pride when she mentioned me to her relatives, a trip to the DVDs shop to buy my favorite movies. 

The opposite to “ngoan” is “hư" - to disobey, to get a bad grade, to be stubborn (or to skip the extra curriculum class you hate to play online games.) 

The consequences of being “hư" and making your parents disappointed is getting scolded at or getting a slap. 

But what’s worse is the feeling that love is now taken away. Like love is something you have to work for. And since you didn’t work hard enough, too bad, you don’t deserve it anymore. 

That’s how the fear of disappointing others took roots within me.

I was 23 years old and working in Rotterdam, The Netherlands.

The Netherlands has many great things, but weather isn’t one of them. Except for a few weeks in summer, Rotterdam’s sky is often covered with grey clouds. 

Above my head, grey clouds also wouldn’t stop hovering. They were my many fears, one of them the fear of disappointing others. 

I was the first Vietnamese ever to work in the global leadership team of AIESEC, the world’s largest youth-run organization. 

A young Vietnamese woman with major imposter syndrome. 

Even though I was working in one of the most democratic workplaces on earth, filled with open-minded, smart, and kind young people… Even though no one was explicitly giving me the pressure... 

In my mind, everyday felt like the Hunger Games. One wrong step and it’d be over. I would disappoint someone, prove myself unworthy of this role, and die. 

We internalize the wounds in our childhood and then project it to everyone around us. 

That’s exactly what I did.

Thousands of AIESEC members worldwide wanted the experience of being on the global leadership team. 

It could’ve been the most incredible year of my life to date.

Instead, my fear turned it into one of the most stressful years I’d ever lived. 

Most of us want to excel in what we do and meet others’ expectations. And I think to a certain degree it’s a positive thing. 

But when we let the fear of disappointing others control us at the detriment of our emotional well being, our mental health, and our truth; we need to stop and ask ourselves why.  

Why are we saying Yes when we mean to say No? 

Why do we choose the career that we know isn’t right for us? 

Why are we making our life a living Hell by projecting our fears onto others? 

How many years of our lives do we want to waste trying to please others? 

Tania, a coaching client, told me about the night she cries in her bedroom with a job offer in her hands. She knew this job was not for her but it made her parents proud.  

Tania was unhappy with her job but she also didn't know what she wanted. 

What really happened was that she had spent so many years following others' expectations that she lost access to what I call the “inner compass” - the place within each of us that holds the answer to the questions:

“What do I want?” “What is my purpose?”  

Part of the work to get Tania back in touch with her inner compass was to let go of the fear of disappointing others. 

“I give myself permission to disappoint others.” became Tania’s affirmation. 

Not to disappoint people out of meanness and inconsideration. But out of kindness to herself. 

Slowly Tania experienced the lightness and freedom she’d never felt before. That opened up the space for her to explore the work that she felt called to do. 

It’s such a cliche but we really can’t make everyone happy. 

If we want to do purposeful work, honor our needs, speak our truth, and stand for what we believe in, we’ll disappoint a whole lot of people.  

That’s part of the journey.  

“But Milena will it make me become selfish?” 

The fact that you asked this question means it won’t. 

Going against your truth to please others in order to get their approval is being selfish to yourself: your inner child, your soul, your highest self. 

It was 9 pm. I was sleep-trapped by my 5-month-old baby girl. If I moved away, she might wake up. So I was stuck lying next to her with her cheek resting on my breast.

It was my personal policy to sleep when my baby slept at night. If she went to bed at 8, I’d go to bed at 8. But that night I couldn’t sleep. 

I’d been working on creating an online course to help others clarify their purpose. But something felt off. I tried to ignore my gut and kept pushing. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that this topic was not it.

After my partner and I had agreed that an online course was the best next step for my business, he helped me build the tech side.

The truth was: I had shut down my intuition and pushed myself to do this course because I was afraid of letting him down. 

Lying there awake at night, I had a choice to make: Do I stay true to myself and disappoint my partner? Or do I please him, betray myself and feel resentful afterward? 

I chose to be true. 

I spoke to my partner and could tell that he was disappointed. It was very uncomfortable. But I didn’t die. And guess what, he didn’t die either. He moved on and continued to support me to find a topic that lights me up. 

I think that’s something people-pleasers like us need to understand: our loved ones are strong enough to deal with disappointment. 

And the right person will continue to love you no matter what. 

Now I have two questions for you: 

Where in your life are you being held back by the fear of disappointing others? 

What would be possible when you give yourself permission to disappoint? 

Share it in the comment, I’d love to know.

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Also, while you’re here, check out my other article on “Is It Selfish to Follow Your Heart?”

P.S: follow your calling

Once you’re free from the fear of disappointing others, you’ll have more space to follow your calling and create a soul-filling career or business. Clarity of purpose is essential here.

This is why I’ve designed this beautiful workbook for you. Download below!

SHARING = LOVING