"There is something wrong with me."

When I was five, I discovered that I had the wrong skin. 

I was born with darker skin than most other girls. And where I come from, dark skin wasn't the beauty ideal. 

In first grade, I was called the "black goat."

"A black goat and a white goat walking on a bridge…," the kids told me a folk goat story, sometimes they whispered, other times they howled.

I didn't know how to stand up for myself, so I kept quiet, burying my red hot face in my hands. 

At school, I bullied for my skin. At home, I was scolded for crying too often, for reading too much manga, and for wanting to draw more than to study math.   

By the time I reached 13, I was convinced that there was something fundamentally wrong with me. I started having suicidal thoughts. 

I remember the 2 weeks where I picked up sleeping pills that my mother left them around the house and put them in a porcelain cup tucked behind my closet. 

I didn't take the pill. But I needed a way to compensate for my low self-worth. So I decided that I'd be perfect. 

I became a perfect daughter, perfect student, perfect in my work. And got into perfect positions. 

It is a good thing to work hard for what you want. But if you're fuelled by insecurity and self-hate, you end up growing a black hole in your chest.

No matter how hard you try, it's never enough. Slowly, the black hole starts to swallow you - the way a python digests its prey - until one day, you wake up wondering why there's none of you left. 

I needed a way to compensate for my low self-worth. So I decided that I'd be perfect. 

"Why am I not happy?"

It was an afternoon early spring in Europe. Grey sky, empty street, I breathed in the chilly air as I walked home from work. My jacket was red, but it felt like grey. 

I had just finished another day when my to-do list was completed, but I was incomplete. 

There I was, having everything I thought I wanted: a job abroad, a nice boyfriend, a big title in a meaningful organization. But something was missing. 

Why is everything so colorless? Why do I feel exhausted and afraid? Why, whenever I'm not busy with work, I feel like I want to vanish? Why does it feel like I'm walking around in the world wearing a thick iron armor? Why do I feel so lonely? Why was I not happy? 

I was depressed. 

Worse, I was ashamed of being depressed. 

I isolated myself, terrified of losing the image of a perfect high achiever.  

I kept walking, hearing the repeating sound of my heels knocking on the concrete road, heading to a home that didn't feel like home. 

I turned a corner. And there it was. By the sidewalk, a wildflower. 

All of a sudden, everything went quiet. 

Something about that flower moved me. It was just there, soft and open and defenseless. Offering its colors to the world. That flower didn't have a house, a job title, a boyfriend, or a flight ticket. 

But it was alive. And I was not. 

I heard a whisper from my heart that I had not heard for a very long time. "I want to live like that flower." 

The flower didn't have a house, a job title, a boyfriend, or a flight ticket. But it was alive. And I was not. 

That decision changed everything. A few months later, I left the perfect life and began a journey to discover myself. 

Because I didn't know how to be happy. I dove into books on happiness. And everything I read all seemed to point to one place: the relationship between me and myself. 

It was something I had never thought of. I spent so much time trying to impress others, trying to make them like me, trying to help them and comfort them and support them, and easing their pain. 

But not for once, I thought of the way I treated myself.

The more I read, the more I realize the depth and pervasiveness of my self-loathing. 

I did to myself what I would never do to someone else: 

I punished myself 

I starved myself 

I forced myself to overwork even when I was exhausted 

I criticized myself and called myself "stupid" and "ugly." 

I blamed myself  

I told myself how my dream was silly and impossible.

And when I got happy for doing something well, I told myself don't be too happy because it's still not good enough.

I placed conditions on my love with myself, no matter how hard I tried, I was never enough for me.

When I finally saw my self-loathing, I got so disturbed. I fell into a loop of hating myself for hating myself.

One day after hitting rock bottom in the downward spiral of self-loathing, I asked the Universe for help to learn Self-Love. 

The Universe answered me with a dream.

Between my in-breath and out-breath, I felt a Presence bigger than myself, bigger than my pain, bigger than anything I ever felt before.

Retrieve what was abandoned 

I had a dream, in my dream, I walked into a landfill. A grey place where abandoned things rain down from the sky. Ragged teddy bears, old T.V. with a broken screen, broken bathtubs, dirty clothes pile up into mounts. 

As I walked through them, I heard a soft cry. I followed the call and found a little girl next to a pile of garbage. She wore a torn red dress. Her skin was bruised. Her body quivered in pain. Her eyes closed, and her face cringed to cope with the pain.   

"Oh God, who did this to you?" I asked, horrified by what I saw. 

"You did," She answered. 

"No! I would never hurt a child!" I said 

She whispered: 

"It hurts… 

Every time you told me that I was ugly and stupid and useless… 

Every time you punished me with your words and your actions… 

Every time you abandoned my needs to please someone else… 

Every time you said yes when I said no… 

Every time I called you because I was hurt and afraid, but you turned on the T.V., too scared to listen…

It hurts. Because I am you." 

I didn't know what to say or do. I reached for her small hands and wrapped my fingers around them. It felt like holding in your palm a dying baby bird. 

The walls inside my chest cracked open. And sadness rose up my throat with the force of a tidal wave. 

I began to cry, with my mouth wide open, like an animal howling into the night. 

Tears streamed down my face and neck and shoulders and breasts. Like a storm. Like rain. Like the ocean. Like torrent on deserted lands. Like water in the Universe's womb, pregnant with my rebirth. 

After what felt like infinity, my breathing began to soften.  

Between my in-breath and out-breath, I felt a Presence bigger than myself, bigger than my pain, bigger than anything I ever felt before. 

And I knew, with the certainty of the moon knowing her way around the earth, that this Presence loved me. It has always loved me, and It always will. For no other reason than that It is made of Love itself. And the only thing Love knows to do is love. 

I opened my eyes and whispered to my baby girl:  

"Please tell me. Is there anything I can do for you? What do you need to heal?" 

And she told me what I never expected to hear:

"Would you forgive me?”

“Would you forgive me for that time when mom cried because dad was away and I couldn't do anything? That time when dad laid on the couch drunk and vomiting and I couldn't do anything? That time when I stole the poem in class and claimed it as my own because that would make grandpa proud? Would you forgive me when I got bad grades and made mom sad? Would you forgive me when I couldn't love you? Would you forgive me when I couldn't forgive you?"   

After everything, all she asked for was my forgiveness.  

I held her body in my arms, rocked her gently, and whispered:

"I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you."

A great love came over me as ocean tides came over shorelines. Pulsing at my fingertips, pouring out through all my pores. And from my throat with strings attached to my heart, I closed my eyes and sang her a lullaby.

Her body softened, and she began to cry the tears she couldn't in all these years. 

As I held her, I knew we were both held by that big Presence. And the love I feel rushing through my bones is not only human love but also divine Love.

At that moment, I knew that despite all our flaws, I was pure, and she was pure. There is nothing to forgive because "right" and "wrong" are too small for Love.

Always have been, always will be, without condition, we are Loved. 

"Right" and "wrong" are too small for love.

Self-Love is the power source. 

That dream was one of the many awakening moments in my journey of learning Self-Love. I've witnessed how powerfully self-love transformed every aspect of my life: my work, my health, my relationships, my finances.

Love is truly the most powerful force in the Universe. 

The more I experienced the power of self-love, the more I felt a calling to share it with others. 

In the past years, I’ve guided many clients in their own exploration of self-love. With Self-Love being the rich soil in the garden of their life, I’ve watched them blossom like a flower. 

Some found their soulmate, others found their soul-work, others heal relationships with their parents, others could wake up with a lightness in their heart that they had never felt before. 

But most importantly, no matter the ups and downs, they’re holding in their hands that life-giving power source.

That power source is also yours to have. 

When I speak on stage about Self-Love, women often came to me later with tears in their eyes. 

What I shared was the truth that they’re meant to reclaim. That they deserve love. That they are lovable, with both their perfections and imperfect beauties - unconditionally, and no matter what.

That truth is also yours to reclaim.  

Remember: you are a beautiful miracle, and you, my love, can truly shine your light.

Milena xo

P.S: practical ways to learn self-love

Inspiration without actions is incomplete.

Look out for our next week’s blog post on 7 Things You Can Do to Truly Learn Self-Love. I will share practical ways for you to start creating a loving relationship with yourself.

P.p.S: self love and finding purpose

Now that you’ve begun to explore self love, don’t stop here.

From my experience, as you reclaimed your self-worth, you’ll begin to hear a calling to make a difference. Like Robin Sharma said: “There is no extra people on the planet,” you were born with a purpose.

I’ve made a gorgeous 15-page Purpose Finder Workbook to help you discover your unique purpose and start making impact doing what you love. Download below!

SHARING = LOVING