Stop Being A Love-Begger
I receive many emails from women who struggle in their relationships.
“The love of my life says he doesn’t love me,” “he said he loved me but he then doesn’t have time for me,” “what can I do to revive our relationship?” “what can I do to make him love me?”
These emails make my heart sink. It seems there are countless women who feels they are not loved by their boyfriends. And in that desperation, the actions they take seem to bring even more suffering.
Maybe you are one of them, or maybe you know someone who is. This article is my gift for you, and for all women in love.
What love is not…
In a workshop called “Love is…”, I asked the participants to write down everything they think love is not. Before knowing what love is, we need to be clear about what love isn’t. Love is not obsession, psychological addiction, possession or conditional. Love is not a game. Love is not suffering. Love is not hurtful
So when you say “He doesn’t love me anymore,” what you are really saying is:
He doesn’t care about me anymore.
He doesn’t appreciate me anymore.
He doesn’t listen and understand me anymore.
He doesn’t spend quality time with me anymore.
He doesn’t surprise me with small gifts anymore.
He doesn’t touch me lovingly anymore.
He doesn’t tell me sweet words anymore.
He doesn’t forgive me anymore.
He doesn’t act romantic anymore.
I imagine love as an energy flowing from one opened door of a heart into another.
Therefore, the right question is not “How can I make him love me?” but rather “is the door of my heart open? And is the door of his heart open too?”
The secret here is we can open our heart by taking actions in love. At Soulful Garden - the well-being center for women I founded - I teach women how to open their heart through evoking core-heart feelings such as care, non-judgment, appreciation, and forgiveness. LOVE IS ACTION.
The next secret is: give what you need.
If you’re craving love, give love. Care, appreciate, listen, spend quality time, offer help… When you do, you’ll feel something so good in your heart. That feeling signifies that you’ve opening the door of your heart. Remember: an open heart can’t help but generate love. He is never the source of love. The source of love is inside you.
Stop being a Love-Begger. Here's an example of love-begging.
My family loves watching Indian soap operas; sometimes I caught a scene or two. The last scene I saw was a young woman, at the end of a call with her lover - who was on a business trip far away - agreeing that they will call again before bed. She said “I will stay up and wait until you call.” Do you know what happened next? He didn’t call. Why? Because he was busy doing his work. The girl waited and waited and slept with a heavy heart and woke up wondering, “Why didn’t he call me? Should I call him now? Maybe I shouldn’t.”
Isn’t it a torment? Still, I can’t judge her because I did the exact same thing in my previous long-distance relationship.
Now if my boyfriend doesn’t call me, I won’t bother. I’ll do something else I love. Enjoy my night. Paint my nails, watch a great movie, doodle, pick up the Ukulele and sing a song. I’LL ENJOY MY LIFE.
The last thing you want is to put someone else at the center of your own life. It’s scary for that person. And dangerous for you. It blinds you from the incredible beautiful juicy sweet life that is happening all around you.
Look out the window: a bird is singing, the wind is blowing, the branches of the trees are dancing, and the Earth is turning.
Can you feel it? Can you feel the force of nature? That’s love.
Look at yourself in the mirror. Isn’t she lovable? Doesn’t she deserve all the love in the world? And maybe close your eyes and look within you. With the eyes of the heart. Can you see your inner universe? With the marvelous complexity of your thoughts and emotions. Can you feel your trillions of cells working? Can you feel your heartbeats; and how your chest and belly rise and fall with each breath?
Can you feel it? Can you feel that pulsating energy in you? That’s love.
And the greatest thing is: YOU can Make it. (Love-Making, huh?) Yes! You can surround yourself with love by taking actions of love.
Actions of Love
When you take actions of love, you must do it with no expectation of getting something in return. Your actions of love open your heart - that’s the reward itself. You love not because you need something in return. You love not because you’re feeling unworthy; not in order to please someone so they can accept you. No. You love because you’re human. That’s what we do. We love.
If he doesn’t take any actions of love. That’s not your fault. That’s never because you’re unlovable. And never because there’s something wrong with you. Even if he says so, never believe it.
What we often do when our relationships falters is we blame ourselves. We whisper tears to our pillow “it’s all my fault…” How can it be your fault? How can the behaviors of anyone be your fault? Who are you to take that blame?
The only reason why someone doesn’t act with love is because their heart is closed. The key is lost and they have not yet found it. Your loving actions are invitations to open the door. You’re gently knocking. But to find the key and open the door of his heart, he must do it himself.
And if you keep sending invitation and his door is still closed. Maybe you are not meant to be the one to send invitations anymore. Maybe you’re not meant to be.
Now if you truly love yourself and love him, you’ll decide - with bitter sweetness and peace in your heart - that it’s best to let him go. Love isn’t possession, remember? Let him go, so he can find someone who can help him open the door of his heart.
Now you can find someone whose door is open to receive you. Then you will know what it feels to enter his heart and have him enter yours. Then you will have a taste of true love.
Maybe you’re struggling now. Maybe you’re crying. But trust me, when you taste true love, you’ll understand that it worth every single tear.
Finally, here’s a poem for you. :)
For many years, I'd wondered:
"What is love, really?"
Love isn't physical attraction.
Love isn't a romantic feeling.
Love isn't a math problem to be solved.
Love isn't a game to lose or win.
Through many tears and wounds and desperation
The doorway to love isn't through the kiss of a man.
The only way into love is deep within my own heart.
Is your heart closed?
Where is the key?
Open the door and you'll find love.
It’s been waiting there all along.
Love is a state of being - connectedness, acceptance, appreciation, gratitude, a sense of wonder.
Love is the life force that runs
Through all living beings,
Through you and I, and the hurricane, and the mango, the blue birds, and every drop of honey.
Once you've opened the door
Love pours in to fill your soul up
And love overflows. So much love you must give it.
To the sky, to your mother, to a stray cat, and to him.
And you realize,
Love is what you are made of
Love is what you are born to give.